A Letter to Dearest Mummy

Dear mummy,

How I wish you were here reading this very little blog I have. How I wish you were here sitting beside me when I was blogging. People celebrate Mother's Day few days ago. I read some of my friend's blog about Mother's Day. How I wish I could write one for you. They wrote how much they appreciate their mother, how good is their mother, how lovely mother they have. They have their own mother accompany them when they were sad. They have a mother to scream at. Why in the hell I can't do this? Why is god treat me like this when I need you the most? Where were you?

I remember the way you teach me how to tie my shoe string. I remember the day you standing outside my classroom chatting with other mummy on the first day of my standard one. I missed the moment when mummy, daddy, brother, grandpa, grandma and me playing at the seaside when I was small. That was the most greatest moment I could every had in my life. I can't feel the feeling now. I've been thinking a lot about the past. I could not forget the way you hug me. I slept beside you when I was sick. Taking care of me when I'm sick. I wanna say thank you but can't! Why?

I felt sorry for daddy. I left home and moved to hostel and left daddy with granny here. I know daddy is lonely here. I wish I could spent my time with him but I can't! I didn't talk that much to daddy as before. How I wish you were here accompany daddy when I'm not around. I know daddy felt sad too. Daddy hurt the most when you left us. Brother moved further from home which cause him can't come home every week. We have a very warm and lovely family before, but why this is happening?

2 years ago, I was working at Pacific. Is Saturday and there are lots of customer. Daddy called me on my cellphone which I don't allow to brings in. I don't know what happen, I thought daddy was asking me for dinner. Later aunt and cousin came to me and told me that you were in trouble. I followed they back and leave without permission of my supervisor. I called daddy so many times on the way back but none of it answered. I called house number and granny answered. Grandma didn't told me how bad is it, she just say good if I'm coming home. I heard people was praying there and thats the time I felt so scare. I finally reach home and you're gone. You leave before I came home. Why don't you wait for me? Why don't you hold the last breath for another 10 minutes? I just wanna say "I Love You" before you go. Did I ever said these three word for you?

These three words is the words that I can't say it again in my entire life! How I wish you heard me! I don't know who to talk to when I'm depressed. I've been really strong since that day. Thanks god, I have a really great friends to hold on with. Thanks for sending me these friends to accompany me. Nobody know the way I feel. Nobody know how much I miss you, how much I love you! I just wish you could watch me studying my college and watch me graduate in the future. If you could hold one more year, you could see me pass my driving test and I driving cars. If another two years, you could see brother's girlfriend. If a few more years, you could watch me and brother graduate and wearing those honored square hat which I think is very ugly.

No matter what, I know you will never back into my life again. I just wanna say I Love You! You leave just before I want to show how much I appreciate you. Somehow I wish to have a clone machine to have another you. You still haven't see me success! I see you in my dream with the lovely smile. Please forgive me for what I have done, for what you hate me, for what I did to make you angry. I know you love me the most when you were still alive. I Love You Mummy!

Chee Hsien